I wish I could teleport
It's 9:30am and I've already blown three loads. Reason #101 I love 25 year old girls.
for future reference: playing drunken strip-twister is a euphemism for a threesome. just thought you should know.
It was one of those you-have-no-other-way-home-and-we-already-made-out-so-I-guess-youre-coming-home-with-me-if-you-promise-to-leave-early kind of deals.
I just want a pillowcase full of fast food so I can eat and sleep this hangover away
This essay is so getting done. I am spurred on by thoughts of test-driving your newly shaven face by sitting on it as soon as humanly possible.
The only thing I regret was that he was wearing a scarf when we made out.
The $10 cab ride turned into a $60 cab ride when you puked down the back of his seat trying to whisper in his ear. He was a trooper though, he came into to wash off in the sink and still tried to get your number.
Jesus himself couldn't make a better sandwich
This is gonna be a long day for my vagina and I
YOU BETTER TOUCH MY NIPPLES TODAY
Comedy Central is in dire need of more sitable faces late at night - Trevor Noah has a baby face - there are federal rules against those types of sexual fantasies
just turned another straight guy gay. Goddamn the church must hate me
I got dominos and had to stop whilst eating and take a moment of silence for how good it was
Remember when we thought adulthood would be different than college?
It is different. We had hopes and dreams back then. Now we're just alcoholics.
Randomize
