Got separated, got a half bj, got dropped off in random part of the city, don't tell anyone
I woke up this morning under my fitted sheet and my legs through the sleeves of my sweater.
i cleaned out my closet and found 7 beers from 2007. ive had 3 so far.
Just got the orientation leader spot. For the first two days, I will be one of the best looking guys on campus. The freshman girls will be so disappointed they settled for me when everyone else comes back.
Alright this has to stop. Without adderall I don't even have the motivation to get laid. College has ruined me.
just explained the breakup in detail to my big toes. that consolation brownie was Amazing.
I really need to stop coming home drunk and lint rolling my rabbit.
fun fact: in my eskimo family tree i am the only brunette
Nothing more ironic than raw dogging some random Asian hottie last night and then doing the walk of shame home from her place mixed in with the participants of the AIDS walk
I mean, how am I going to build a relationship on trust if he finds out I roofied him?
Ok. As long as I can keep Kevin contained to the room I'll be ok. If not u might have a naked puking Kevin at ur door
To me, you're the Patron Saint of good music and handjobs
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
Love waking up to a new contact named “Pizza” btw
Pretty sure I scared her away last night by putting a vodka tampon in my ass
Randomize
