i permit you to call me
I just saw a commercial that said "call your doctor if erections last more than 4 hours". I said "disgusting" and my mom said "I know, i hate when that happens." Get me out of here.
Her vagina smelled like hockey gear.
I just hemmed my dress for halloween, never felt more like a man
i swear i just saw perry the platypus. the fuck dude. i shouldnt even know who that is
Just took my pill on time for two days in a row. I deserve a prize.
Not having phil's child is good enough.
Do you think it'll be awkward standing up at their wedding knowing I've slept with both the bride and the groom?
Scratch that. Good bye liver, good bye clothes, good bye dignity. Hello awesome weekend
I'm just so happy. I go to sleep and when I wake up there will be chocolate milk and penis.
OH FOR FUCKS SAKE! SOMEONE TOOK ME FOR A GODDAMN PROSTITUTE!! IM WEARING LEG WARMERS!!! THAT IS LIKE THE LEAST HOOKERISH THING TO WEAR!
How did work go after you told them you were in jail?
Great they tried to bail me out.
I need a nap, Harry Potter movies, and dick in this exact order after work.
He smoked and I was tired so left before we did anything. I literally left him high and dry.
I'm so sad at the lack of dick in my life I am going to get sauced and make rice krispy treats
If you ever tell anyone I offered you boob squeezes for cheetos, I'll kill you
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