my one-armed grandma is doing the YMCA. you figure it out.
one of the service guys here said i licked ranch off your face lastnight
Tidal wave of highness just hit. Find shelter and catnip. gloves. zebra striped car washes.
Just received a visit from the Ghost of Bad Decisions Past. Kind of weird 90% of the flashbacks happened in the same sixteen month span, the rest happened at Taco Bell.
"it's Wednesday" isn't a good enough excuse to take my debit card and use it for your own drunken needs. You owe me 250 bro
i ate a whole tub of butter with my hands last night. don't tell me about rock bottom
Zombie crawl summary: 5 of 6 friends successfully laid. friend 6 too drunk to care and making out with a whale (not a costume)
For thanksgving we are only drinking wild turkey for the next 24hrs time to strap your balls back on and maybe a helmet
Ps we bought 8 pellet guns just now
Just rolled up a joint with a cop standing right beside me. He just told us to not leave behind any garbage or empties. God I love canadian camping
So, it's been almost 3 months and and I still dont know her last name. That's gotta be a record.
I tried to prevent a bar fight. By convincing a guy whacked out on Molly to slap the ass of everyone who was arguing and shout "WOO" each time. I'm proud, surprised, and intrigued that it calmed everyone down so quickly...
I could teach a class on "expressing your thanks through photos taken of yourself in the shower"
ARE YOU DEAD? TEXT Y FOR YES OR N FOR NO.
she prefaced telling me she was pregnant with "houston, we have a problem"
That man fucks like a champ. The sex was so good I did him again in the morning just to be sure
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