And hes hitting me with his balls, really hard.
Just found custom condoms. Guess I'm not getting any work done today.
I need to find a more grown up way of dealin with a hangover at the office than pringles and mountain dew at 8:30 am...
I think if it were a part of everyone's daily routine, the world would be happier. International Finger Yourself While Bathing Day.
I went around and congratulated every guy that had a beard for having one
Goddamn tequila
I am broke enough to accept it. If I get poisoned, you can have my shoes
"I wasn't planning on buying a chicken, but I bought it anyway." --some guy on the bus with a chicken
"Yeah, I only have nine toes." --that same guy
N I'm drinking this invention I call "do-it-fluid" I had a bottle of vodka that was 3/4th empty, so I put in 1/4th rum, 1/4th tequila, 1/4th whisky... it's definitely the worst idea ever..
Your father is wrapped in a table cloth singing, "America Fuck Yeah!" You are missing the time of your life.
I CLEANED MY BATHROOM FOR YOU!! betrayal
Bruh, I wanna absorb into the deck.
I wanna become a plank.
God I love xanex.
I seriously feel like I just crawled out from under a shit covered rock. I'm NEVER drinking like that again...well, not for alteast a solid 3 hours.
Should I be worried if two ants just crawled out of my purse?
Yes!
He passed out with his shoes on 20 minutes till midnight, and I didn't have a sharpie so I took the cheese whiz and filled his exposed ass crack.
Guess who won a basket of sex toys in front of his parents, aunts, uncles, sister, and cousin...
Randomize
