Fact: The drinking you do in college doesn't affect your liver in real life.
Puked in a plastic neiman Marcus bag while driving. My biggest accomplishment yet
I am dressing up to go buy weed. I need to get out more.
I think I kinda scared him when I told him if he premature ejaculated I would punch him in the throat.
Oh man I'm using the bubble wrap that wraped my new vibrator to wrap my dads fathers day gift
I'm going for high school drunk, you've got 15 minutes to get here.
I. Did. In fact. Sprain. My liver. This. Weekend.
I need to stop getting picked up at 3 am by my friends parents. This is the second time this week. I'm a grown man.
do you think your dog feels awkward being in the background of your nudes?
If there's anything else you're planning on stealing from me, please let me know so I can set it on fire
Who the fuck watches Jessica jones and thinks I need to call a past fling?
Are you done yet? I've eaten three corndogs so I'm ready 2 party.
We ran out of vodka, so instead of body shots you wanted to do cupcake shots off her naked body...happy birthday to you.
Is it wrong that I have to schedule a family Sunday brunch around my mom's weekly banging of my stepdad. And why do I even know this??
My new gym is popular with trophy wives. They’re talking about yachts and plastic surgery
Learn their secrets! I want to meet men with Maseratis. The meat heads and Mustangs scene is getting old
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