i just broke my key off in the door of my house because the engine wasnt starting
Farmville is her only friend.
She broke both of her ankles trying to jump off the balcony. it's like every time she drinks she makes even more impressively bad decisions than the last time
Ladystoner tip: if eyes are bloodshot, lime green eyeliner makes them appear less red. its basic artt.
He only dropped the Russian accent after we started having sex.
you were upstairs in your room looking out your window and saw him puking in your bushes outside. you then proceeded to open the window and sing Come To My Window
He sprained his penis one time
He was "naked wrestling" and fell off the couch and landed on his erect penis
Eating my shrimp pasta on the porch with a 40, wearing a Hawaiian shirt, proclaiming "I GOT SCRIMPS." I just jumped the shark of college.
Its like no one cares im drunk naked wet and ready to throw myself at some one hold on i found a solution to my problems
I love pie. Pie understands me and the spatula
Can't decide if this guy is hot or if I'm just bored.
Sex is clearly the solution either way.
Drunk Karaoke resulted in only 8 injuries this time, so there is some improvement.
I fell asleep giving a handjob, had a sex dream about giving a handjob, and woke up giving a handjob. Life.
How am i even supposed to meet his daughter? "Hi, Claire, I hear we have so much in common, like we both love your Dad and also we're almost the same age."
Facebook is for cat videos and having better lives than people from high school, period.
Are you alone?
No, but I have to leave him in my bed while I go on this date.
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