after we finished he farted and said 'i've been holding that one in'
That's it, I refuse to live in a world where sparkly vampires beat Batman at anything.
I knew the cheap date at Taco Bell would backfire because it makes even the most pre-cautious girls involuntary fart in public
and then he put stevie wonder on to fuck to...and hummed along as I blew him
Wow. A quad shot of peppermint schnapps. I feel like I just deep throated a candy cane. Best 21st ever.
Yeah I remember I tried to close her head in the freezer last night
donating our bodies to science does not justify what were doing to them.
I'm drinking straight vodka and railing lines of adderall while writing a paper about the nature of Jesus. It's 6:50 in the morning. College.
I learn from experience and I experienced what it would be like to completely lose my mind and then wake up with a stab wound.
This tiny Canadian guy just tipped me $20, a piece of gum, and a joint. I wasn't working. He literally tipped me for talking to him.
okcupid is pretty much insisting i hook up with this chick who looks like andy milonakis.
I feel like they've probably fucked. Like.. you don't just bring a bitch a Big Mac if you haven't fucked her.
Btw had an awesome time last night. Found some blood on my shirt and ear but I'll chalk it up to the tequila shots.
I just discovered my new vice. Cotton candy vodka. Its like a carnival in my mouth, puking of the tilt-a-whirl included.
I I was gonna wake him up with a blow job but I don't know how he would feel about it.
Randomize
