im going to forcibly insert an angry corn snake into his urethra
The university put out a message about those missing salt and pepper shakers... You should at least give back 60 of them.
At least you didnt end up topless in a Tina Turner wig singing cabaret tunes
Just ordered an appetizer sampler to distract the fat chicks so we can escape
Thanks for your number, i want to ski with you, do party with you and sleep with you. Lucas.
I spent most of the night trying to drink out of three bottles of beer at once. I don't have to be told the reasons I'm single
What kind of life do I lead that no one is surprised by the fact that I was watching porn at work with the hot 37 year old?
I told her I was going to masterbate myself into a coma... We have another date on Thursday.
this is honestly why we're friends. we drink tea and plan to do drugs together.
Also, my old intern Lizzie whom you fed pizza to last night wants to hang out with you
Did I, at any point last night, say I was dying?
I expect you will be there for a drunken 3way with my husband again this new year.
I DONT HAVE A FUCKING JOB RIGHT NOW. DO YOU THINK I HAVE TIME TO WASTE GOING BACK AND FORTH WITH SOMEONE WHOS LYING, ABOUT LYING, AND JUST BEING A LIAR? HONESTLY, YES I DO HAVE TIME. BUT I HAVE A FUCKING LOT BETTER THINGS I COULD BE WASTING MY TIME DOING. LIKE ORGANIZING MY POKEMON CARD COLLECTION.
I only spent $42 at the bar last night, it's some sort of miracle.
you do remember it was dollar beer night, right?
That answers my next five questions
All I remember is me taking my automatic nerf gun getting on top of him and saying..."look whos in control now!"
Randomize
