I just realized that this morning is the first morning i've put on underwear in a week.
I love summer.
He looked me in the chest and said "I think I was visited by the titty fairy last night"
You know its bad when you can over hear the planned parenthood nurses talking shit behind your back... they've seen everything
I swear that when I have my own bathroom, I'm gonna lock myself in there and masterbate for at least 3 days in sheer appreciation of it.
My life has literally become a dickpocolypse. Thank you, summer, I missed you.
i can barely draw a stick figure let alone shave a heart into my pubes
something had to give and with her weight the coffee table never stood a chance
Who the hell poured a whole pouch of Capri Sun down my throat last night?
25 likes of a picture on Instagram of my butthole. beat that.
He was super stoned and then he compared doing meth to having anal sex and told me to "ride that cowboy." The cowboy being my ex.
If I die tonight somebody's going to have to let all my tinder matches know.
I'm having a hard time eating my sandwich knowing how many different buttholes my hands were in last night.
my grocery list today consisted of condoms. and butter.
umm... whats the butter for?
Hurry I'm alone dressed like a prostitute eating French fries.
Everyone has seen your nipples. It's like asking if they ever walked on grass. You need better hangover questions.
Randomize
