How crunk are you?
I'm a Tom Selleck. Zero being Tipper Gore and max being the Bush twins
while fucking on the counter the whip cream was conveniently right next to us. i love thanksgiving
How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
The KFC double down is way too much for a drunk. He was just staring at it in awe.
I mean this holiday was built on cheap beer, shitty whisky, and processed meat... and I fully plan to honor that
After the concert, I paid a cab to drive me around the city so I could shout "dc highfive!" at everyone who passed for an hour and a half.
Im drinking in homer but I guess Egan got arrestest on an "assault by water ballon" charge but tom actually threw the water balloon in question at the bartender.
Made a vodka juice box out of a ziploc bag and a straw for when I drive. Doesn't count as an open beverage container anymore.
all im saying is that if he was a normal person, he would have fucked me by now.
he ran through my sliding door
in his defense that door gets complicated after 10 beers
Nothing like the It's a Small World ride at Disneyland to remind you to take your birth control. I took it on the boat yesterday
The two girls sitting next to me are asking siri "Like, uh, how do you know my name?". Do I fuck with them or fuck them?
when my phone is in portrait view you can just assume i've been watching porn. that's the only thing i want to see in full view.
Would you consider masturbating to Hocus Pocus an adulthood high or low?
I fished a Couples Masturbation DVD out of somebody’s trash and kept it. That’s how desperate I am.
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