How young is too young to ask my kid to make me a drink?
I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
I bought a fake diamond ring to wear, not only to bars to keep the creeps away, but so that I'll be judged less by the front desk girl at Planned Parenthood
does pizza still have the 5 second rule in the bubble bath?
woke up laying on an empty pizza box and some guy was doing blow off my butt...i guess i should thank you.
Ok John needs to move to the other side of the county. I do not like to be approached for a blow job in the produce section of Holiday Market.
We should probably go now, otherwise the whores will descend.
I just made the pizza guy say helicopter six times in order to get his money. Even he knows how stoned we are.
A girl just asked me if we had pregnancy tests and a coworker had to stop me from telling her I was a pregnancy test. THAT is why I don't drink at work.
On one hand it was kinda weird his girlfriends stuff was at his apartment. On the other hand it was kinda nice because she had great shampoo
I mean, you have to swipe right on someone you had sex with last week though, right?
i don't think fitbit tracks "flipping the fuck out" as activity.
And let me tell you, getting your ass waxed is the weirdest fucking experience.
I think i should either cut my hair or buy a dildo.
I may forget my underwear, but you can count on me for drugs and plan b
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