after last nights cooking expirments i have lost all faith in the fire alarm battery
I'm sorry but I have to break up with you. My wife is pregnant and can't have a girlfriend too.
I didn't scare your mother by showing up on the roof, did I?
Tell him I'm the girl who was excited he spoke English. Then ask him where he picked me up from.
I can't turn my head to the left, I'm pissing out of my ass, and my finger went through the toilet paper today... I need you.
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
I feel as if the hash cupcakes on top of mushroom chocolates was a little excessive last night
how do you not remember that?! you winked at the bouncer and then proceeded to grind on him while chugging a beer. i don't know if i should be proud or embarrassed to be your friend
By early evening I was shouting at the deeply Christian girl to suck my dick inbetween snorting lines of gatorade powder.
Ive done some fucked up shit, but last night was the first I have Poured milk on anothers mans face in the shower.
It was the easiest thing I've ever done. 3am she walked into my room, saw my Buffalo Bills blanket, said go bills and got naked.
Hey. It's Michael. The guy that had his tongue in your mouth last night. Just wanted to check in with you.
I am 5' 11" of pure, uncut Fuck Off right now.
You kept apologizing to your car for talking behind its back
at the hospital. Kevin drank straight from the river
Randomize
