We were chasing that deer in the quad and next thing I remember I woke up in my RAs bed. I'm probably in trouble.
Just passed a guy passed out on a riding lawn mower in his front yard.
got into a fight with a bouncer over who's moustache is better again last night...
Ok but if you die you have to get "I should've listened to Mike" carved into your tombstone
I guess, all I remember was giving you road head the whole way there so you wouldn't fall asleep.
Me and the cabbie are stopping on the way at a sit down restaurant to eat. My life is so sad.
I'm just gonna yell "SURPRISE ME" and see what happens. No way this could go wrong
Is it bad that I'm a 32 year old woman that is so afraid of commitment that a hamster is too much responsibility?
he spent an hour trying to rescue a bug from the sink. turned out to be a sesame seed.
I will have you know I turned Latino David Arquette down for sex because he's married. Total. Moral. Victory.
Flo's in town, ain't she.
He gave me my financial savings if I invested with him while I was giving him a bj.
Well statistically J has a 1 in 3 chance of hospitalization when downtown
And a 3 for 3 for disapeearing
That reminds me of the morning I woke up on the sidewalk covered in chicken wings
Well now you know... If you can get over the awkward... The dick is 10 min away.
I just woke up on the floor with an empty handle in one hand and a piece of my ceiling in the other. #classy
Randomize
