Define "chronic" masturbator.
worst. lesbian. ever. i'm not sure she knows a clit from a pencil eraser.
I left a bag of circus animal cookies in my car all day. they melted together into on giant cookie. this could either be the best or worst thing ever
U of I kids don't fist pump to Sweet Caroline. Get me the fuck out of here.
How do I tell my mom that she just went to the gym with my water bottle filled with vodka...
if i die of alcohol poisoning tonight, just know i kinda expected it and totally deserved it
Apparently riding the dog like its a small horse is frowned upon in this establishment
Uh yeah. I ate a brick of cheese. Didn't even cut it. We were admiring the teeth marks I was leaving. We decided it was the negative of my mouth
They tried to convince me I broke Alex's nose. Also they stranded me on the roof.
That's what they get for locking a drunk laxer in Mitch's car.
There's some band that practices next door to my apartment. I'm thinking we may need to check that out. I could be like, "Hey boys, thought you might like some lemonade and vagina."
This guy is like Don Jon! Im over here this weekend and at least four times I've heard porn on his phone thru the bathroom door.
If she's over 40, she won't believe you if you say " I'm only going to put the head in"
Crying while I'm pooping. I think this is rock bottom
Is it bad that if I found out I couldn't have kids I'd be more pissed that I've been using unnecessary condoms than the fact that I'll never be a mother?
the universe is starting to freak me out.. ive now had sex with 3 people who were born on the same day..
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