I just took a shit in a BP station. It seemed appropriate since they are shtting in our ocean.
He had a seizure when i was giving him head. for a second i was thinking i was doing a spectacular job
You can't just send the picture of my vagina back to me, 2 months after we broke up, and make small talk out of it.
Just beat off to internet porn while talking to my mom on the phone and eating a cinnamon roll. U have 5 minutes to get on my level
I thought 4 percs were too many but I'm dumping Gogurt on apple pie and taking giant bong rips. This feels right.
My mom ate salad out of the vodka bowl
After you bought Jesus' name tag off him at the Mexican restaurant you commenced to stumbling around the lobby showing anybody who would listen what would Jesus do.
Stop giving me tequila.
I told the cop to try walking in heels and he'd understand why I was walking home without then on. He told me he only does that on Wednesdays.
You forgot your "boyfriend" from last night on my couch. You're suppose to bring that shit with you.
How can other people our age be acting like adults when I'm still taking my birth control pill with left over gin and tonic from the night before?
Dunno. My heart says "no", my brain says "maybe" and my dick says "YES YES FOR THE LOVE OF GOD YES!!"
I just found a To Do list on the table, written by me last night, that just says "1. Go downstairs. 2. Get Pickles. 3. Laptop"
All I did was call him a fucker when he took my pot. He didn't have to arrest me.
she compared me favorably to her vibrator
which one?
We’ve got a propane heater on our back porch if you want to come over and eat a McRib in peace
Randomize
