i'm at sigma nu and gary is here. what do it do?
Stay away from his face.
so i go for his dick?
so either half this theatre is as stoned as me, or day daybreakers is hilarious
this girl with a french braid down the center of her head won't stop talking about the benefits of the free market. i'm hungover, bloated and haven't slept for 4 days. shut up french braid girl, shut up.
this is going to sound stupid but when I was drunk and thought I was a stripper where I did toss my pants?
my nick name has gotton too long over the years..C.T.P.S.G.F.P.G.......cock tease private school groupie frat party groupie.
He poured all of the vodka into the sweet tea and said that tomorrow it would be called 'surprise drunk.' then we had sex.
Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
he fed me chocolate as I gave him a handjob. I felt like a princess.
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
So we were having sex and his roommate walks in eating a bag of chips. Then proceeds to talk to us about his bitch of a professor.
Did he at least offer you guys chips?
If I don't get my shit together, I'm going to be one of those really fucked up cases on 1000 ways to die
I kept on yelling at him to get his shit together as he was puking
I legitimately thought he died. I even called his mom at 3am and told her. Im done with vodka.
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
Nothing wrong with a little cat scratch fever. You have toys?
A few, plus a dildo molded from a porn star that I've always been too intimidated of to actually use, but it's the apocalypse, and momma didn't raise no quitter.
Randomize
