Nothings more american than taking a shit with a handgun next to you.
Red Bull/Vodka? You bet I'm showing everyone my penis tonight.
GOOD IDEA: Stealing the bike a couple blocks away so I don't have to walk. BAD IDEA: riding bike for the first time in years drunk as hell. I'm bleeding and my body hurts and once again I can't find my car.
look, i may have sacrified a 20% assignment for a sprite. this is what hangovers do to me.
Is she bent over a couch yet or did daylight savings time throw off her usual schedule?
He looked down at his phone and screamed "I'M NOT A DAD!" and then bought the entire bar a round
I puked right in front of him after winning beer olympics and he still hooked up with me. My life is so easy.
she's sniffed three people's necks on the bus to see who the good smell was coming from...
she's gonna get diseases
googling pictures of Lindsey Lohan so that I know what to wear to court is definitely a low point in my life
Did he seem like the type of guy that would maybe take weed as payment?
After a few mimosas, my mom started sharing her plans to move out of the house and into a retirement village so she can be the youngest one there and find herself a "nice old sugar daddy." Needless to say, break has not started off well...
Well you finally jumped into that tree you've always wanted into and some girl gave you an 8.5. You were very happy.
Currently watching Zombie Sharks while high. This is why I love Shark Week.
I find him attractive in the absolute weirdest way. Like I need him to do my taxes, but I also feel like I should spill things on him to gain his attention and then lick it off to gain his affection.
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
Randomize
