when a girl says 'did you just try to kiss me' you should leave the bar. trust me.
i found a dude playing guitar on the portapotty
i was wearing footie pjs. how could there be confusion as to who i hooked up with, thats not something you forget
Three things I need a picture of: your friend, your bong, and your dick.
Unless you have figured out how to blow me through the phone don't drunk dial me.
and ive been naked for the greater part of the evening. alone, drunk, and naked. i think that is how all great interventions start.
Finals week...the biggest cock block since your brother threatened me with a beer bottle at the bar.
You should fuck with them and beat off in the cup and then walk out an be like, "This was a sperm donation right?"
I'm dealing with this like an adult, cupcakes and beer.
I slept with someone only because he got my Simon Birch impression. It was a new low.
He showed me his night stand drawer...it has one too many sex things in it.
Exactly how many...is TOO many?
I don't know if I'm more excited about getting chipotle or about getting laid
I wanna be like, dude, I peed your bed. Like you laid in my pee. And we're not dating. You can find another fuck buddy who I'm sure won't piss on you.
When you're as high as I am right now brushing your teeth is both magical and fucking terrifying
Dude. I just got a visual of u climbing over a bathroom stall to save my life.
Randomize
