you googled " I want to buy a live ostrich". I'd say you were pretty wasted.
HE HAS A FUCKING TWIN. HE HAS A TWIN. I'M NOT DRUNK THERE IS TWO OF THEM.
make sure nobody uses the downstairs toilet. i like to have an unused toilet for the weekends. dont shit where you puke i always say.
I feel awful
Physically or morally
Physically. The only immoral thing I did was steal money from strippers while they gave me lapdances.
Sorry for screaming that you were an apple in spanish at the bar last night, that was the wine talking
I just took the soggiest of beer shits and all i have to eat is shredded cheese and more beer. I need an adult.
Now in just stoned listening to my dads philosophical idea about public transit
I blew him while the canoe was sinking...I think of it as the better version of the titanic
I am so sorry. Not sure for what, but whatever I did last night probably merits an apology, so I'm covering my bases.
he yelled at me like a drill sergeant while I quickly tried to take off my pants
You can't just say "I scored us a potential threesome" and then not text me back.
I cant believe you made me read bad furry sexts
When I met you, I was just like "who the fuck is this drunk chick throwing up on my bed?" But I'm glad we're friends now
He made her leave because she liked Top-Ramen better than Maruchaun. He's my hero.
I only spent $42 at the bar last night, it's some sort of miracle.
you do remember it was dollar beer night, right?
That answers my next five questions
Randomize
