In all seriousness though I just found out the dog pissed in my bed it'd be nice to crash somewhere other than my couch while my piss soaked bedding is in the washer
he took off my shirt and said 'oh my god the legends are true'
Just took a closer look at the paper that kid wrote me his number on. It was an ATM receipt. His balance is $17.89. i made the right choice.
I wish I could attach your penis to someone I like more than you.
I am solely responsible for the birth of their child. I mean, I did push them into the room and hold the door shut yelling "punch that kitty!". It has to be a sign.
I ate goldfish off your shoulder, I think we had bigger issues
We're drinking vodka. Wine is for people who have to wake up in the morning.
where are you?
talk to ya later, gotta sled down these stairs real quick
She really is something else.
Words cannot describe what though. The best way to describe her is to say it like watching a bear and a whale have sex. You don't know why it's happening or how. But it's rather funny and you can't look away.
I traded my pants for a Santa hat last night and it was so worth it.
The only person who DOESN'T think it's a horrible idea to sleep with my ex is my therapist. Obviously I trust her judgement above all others.
When he's drowning in your chest and he muffles out the words 'I just want to live here' that's a compliment right?
It just so happens all of their names are Ryan, so I never have to change whose name I moan.
It was all going good until I realized she was wearing underwear with a butt flap. Mission aborted.
I'm not gonna be naked if your not here. Thats like a waste of nakedness
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