I love my grandma, but if I have to sit and watch one more show on Bravo, I'm gonna burn her fuckin house to the ground
we could easily be the first people to smoke 3 bowls and pound a Four Loco before goin on a tour of the Tillamook cheese factory
Blowjobs in the shower are a lot like blowjobs not in the shower. Awesome.
You blinded her by spitting vodka in her eyes, the vodka you had just taken as a body shot off of her.
i got her number while she was sitting next to her boyfriend. her actual number. i might be a superhero
Be here at 9 and look fabulous. We have drag queens to impress.
Girl, that was the lost night of 2012 for me and I have buried that night deep deep away..
The condition was that I had to eat her out to Beethoven
My dad just accidentally taught me how to make fake IDs. I love my life.
If I got everything I wanted in the world, I would have been forcing soup down your throat hours ago
Good night I hope you dream about knitting and threesomes
After we had sex he began to tell me the craziest places he's had sex. He told me KFC bathroom so I rolled over and went to sleep.
Like, what do you do with girlfriends? Buy her dinner and just like leave?
I want you
Nvm, now I want someone who replies to my booty-call texts faster
Dick is dick
Look decision making is not my specialty
Which is why I just spent $33 on a breakfast sandwich coffee and hash browns
Randomize
