I woke up covered in my own vomit with a pocket full of napkins. I guess I knew I would need them, but was not coherent enough to use them before passing out.
you came home covered in oatmeal wearing a tutu holding a stolen wrotting pumpkin and "its a girl" balloons tied around your neck.you were whispering the lyrics to aaron carters 'aarons party'. i think the real question was what DIDNT you drink last night
Did you wake up with "jello shots" stamped on your hand too?
If we see one freshman that cummed on me, we are leaving.
Remember...the emancipation proclimation is your favorite document, you love asian women, japanese food is the tits, and you willfully employ as many latinos as possible...
I don't know where I am and I feel like a hippo shat in my mouth. This sofa is comfy though.
Putting a positive pregnancy test next to my condoms in my drawer so I remember why I always need to use condoms
Apparently from about 3-5AM I was consoling that crying stripper about her life choices.
this st patricks day sucks
ill send jameson via bank tube 150+ miles
I got inside last night via doggy door
You are the ghost of drunk bitches past, present, and future.
Just puked in a cup. Poured it out the window.
you said "it's karaoke night" and tried to use my dick as a microphone
It was a blast. I was going to say that throwing up in the airport bathroom wasn't classy, but it's classier than quietly puking into a fast food cup while in your seat during takeoff...
Can you cover for me after lunch? I’ve never seen a guy who cums as much as my new Side Dick so now I need to clean the house before my husband gets home
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