I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
She said her tits were too big, and he slapped her. He said that Jesus didn't appreciate bitches that fish for compliments
We're sitting in his room writing songs about America. There's a verse about a dead dog. There's tequila everywhere.
They invented the twister shot game. You put a shot on each circle, take it when you land on it, and if you fall, they funnel the mat and make you drink it. New best friends.
Finished watching the entire first season of mighty morphing power rangers. Now I have nothing. Not even a life.
i just got banned from the m&m's website for trying to get poon slayer written on my custom order
That moment when your mom is so drunk she makes you get out of bed to lay in her bed because she thinks it feels like sleeping on a marshmallow peep....
How do u even exfoliate your vagina
Sooooooo Your wife and your girlfriend are making cat noises at one another via text
He ripped my sink off my bathroom wall and then threw up in it.
But really, someone with a penis give me attention before I start posting nudes on Instagram.
this weekend took five years off my life and what was left of my dignity
How did they ever let a trainwreck like myself run a bar?!
Would it defeat the purpose of a run if I ran to McDonalds?
I just don’t understand what sort of USPS worker wants to take my unitard and sex toys.
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