U know those big foam mats in the back gym for track?
ya, gonna go have sex there?
No I want one to have wings and pick me up and take me home
this is something i pride myself on being below average for
He yelled out my full name in bed...I felt like I was being scolded.
you probably have like 11 voicemails from us, one is us singing my heart will go on while were fucking
This is all my moms fault. She shouldn't have encouraged my weird fascinations as a child
Ok seriously I'm living off of bologna but I have 4 handles in the freezer.
I threw up in the shower, slipped, and fell in it. Should I try and continue my day or just get back in bed?
They have 12 kegs and 40 bottles of liquor and a pool with a diving board. And hardly anyone at this wedding knows me. Should be a great night
I do wanna see you. And we can just lay here and watch a movie and listen to me cry.
Thank god crabs can't live on your head. Thank god.
how do you not remember that?! you winked at the bouncer and then proceeded to grind on him while chugging a beer. i don't know if i should be proud or embarrassed to be your friend
I'm at the bar, forgot my pants. Everyone's over reacting
Bullets don't scare me. I wish I was a coyote
I need two food groups: booze and turkey sandwiches
I am afraid of asking him for his new number so I continue to text the one that's no longer in service.
Randomize
