i'm so hungover...i might vomit in a handbag instead of selling them
god please explain to me why there's blood underneath my fingernails AND toenails?!?!
Dude To be completely honest I don't think you want me to.
I wish we had a justin bieber to wanna fuck when we were younger... But noooo we just had hanson
last night i found out that about 5 of my friends audio recorded us having sex through the bedroom door, then auto tuned it in the tpain app on his iphone.
just puked in a purse in the store. some girl asked if i was gonna buy it now and i laughed and asked her why id want a bag some dude just puked in. her face looked like she saw the devil.
i'm not sure when it happened but apparently now it's topless bar night, im wearing a leotard and everyone is looking at me like i'm cheating.
You planned my entire going away party sitting in the bath tub cradling a bottle of Cuervo. You promised me fire jugglers. And a pinata.
Whatever, I used my iphone to send an Escalade to pick up a booty call last week. For free. It is futuristic as fuck out here.
If you hear a sad honk in the wind it is me.
Are you coming to class or was the dick pic this morning your way of saying not today?
If a cougar buys you pizza and wants to show you her newly-won house, you have sex with her. It's the law. Just being all the man I can be dude
so getting blacked out last night has made my lips so beautifully red for pictures today... and they say nothing good comes from alcohol
I just found a piece of squished oatmeal cream pie in my armpit. So very sad.
Don't remember our skype call last night too well, but did I pee while skyping you?
My neck feel like I've been sucking Goliath's dick.
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