After work we went home to fool around. Turns out he had sawdust under his foreskin. I'm never going down on him again.
You remember that guy Joey? The pastors son that plays Jesus every year?
Yeah?
Stuck it in his pooper.
he stopped making out with me and said "can I make you grilled cheese? I feel like I owe YOU something"
he just looked at me and whispered "these are my sea lions. my sea lions." and then went back to licking the mirror
in respone to your voicemail you left me on saturday, yes i had gone to bed and no i was not still drinking at 5am
FYI, your girlfriend is on her way to the ER. She tried to balance a bottle of jack on her chest. Smashed toes, blood all over patio. Call her, kinda funny though.
I already googled the effects of Molly with my antibiotics, I should be fine.
Why is there even a knowledge base for that?!
He was just lying on the living room floor watching Star Wars with six empty pack of cigarettes and two empty cases of beer.
In his defence I guess I did take the bed, couch and dining room set in the breakup.
I had sex for the second time today and ate an entire bag of alligator jerky on the way home. These truly are the golden years.
I thought you might think I was an idiot who thought cock rings prevent STDs,
dude, last night I won a real sword and a bottle of vodka in a cards against humanity tournament
Listen here, Ms. "I'm Gonna Get Super Drunk and Run From My Friends Screaming That They Were Going to Drag Her to a Scientology Recruitment Camp"...
We were on the beach when you spilled sand in the bottle and said "relax it's vodka, it'll disinfect itself"
Sunburned by dick at the nude beach. Bad. She tried to blow me. But. I. Just. Can't. Saddest day of my life.
Having sex with him is like yoga. I do it in the morning and then can't walk for three days afterwards.
Randomize
