you don't know how close you are to someone till they ask you to shave their ass.
Sry I left before you woke up. The house was really fucked up and I didn't feel like helping you clean. PS Somebody threw up on your dog
someone left their shoes, a resume, and a pizza in the shower... i am actually speechless
Between cock and motorcycle I'm glad I don't have to sit at work tomorrow
My date keeps hitting on your friend. Had no expectations, but not a real confidence booster.
Woke up and there was a kayak in the pool. Are you alive?
I may, or may not have licked his face in an Applebee's.
I received a sext from my girlfriend, and a deal for free chips and guacamole at chipotle at the same time. I have tasted heaven, and it is beautiful.
I ate vegetarian today, so I deserve a beer.That's my justification.
It's like you're the voice of my soul.
TIL a potato cannon can be loaded with dildos as ammunition. Boy, do our neighbours love us!
You're a goddess. Probably of destruction and dick jokes, or some shit, but man, lesser bitches wish they could be half as fab.
They need to eat meat, go down on me the first time, every time, and know how to pull my hair. And there's a height requirement for this ride
I danced my ass off after the funeral last night. Kept dropping it low and I can feel it in my legs today. Im like shit I needa go work out
What a way to honor the dead
Im sober enough to understand what people are saying but drunk enough to understand its hilarious
why yes, bad decisions will be made starting at 3PM Thurs through 8PM on Sun. You have been warned. Plan accordingly.
Randomize
