I'm gonna die fat and alone and all they will find is pizza crusts
It's 3am, i just got back from ht e bars and registered for classes larteeeeee. History of baseball at 8am? at least ill meet the only stragiht gusy at NYU!
He kept buying me shots of tequila. I decided to just save myself the half hour of toilet hugging and tell him straight up that I intended on sleeping with him. We got Tacos on the way home with all the money we saved.
After I saw you grinding on that guy with your shirt completely unbuttoned, I figured it was time for pizza.
Just thought to myself "I should practice shotgunning a beer before Wednesday." I don't think my GPA is going to like this semester.
You crawled through a doggy door 5 times for a shot if cheap vodka.
Still losing my voice, so I am trying to get it back through drugs. Welcome to my Monday logic.
The only thing I accomplished today was naming the bag of wine I've been drinking
I just had a fifteen minute conversation with a Raccoon by the garbage bin. I was feeding it chex mix.
Last night I was just holding this kitten up to my face for like ten minutes telling it that it couldn't be real
You thought you were drunk? I woke up at 6 o'clock this morning with a cheeseburger in my left hand a drink in my right with my window half way down. it was raining.... fml
I found out he put two potatoes in a jar because he wants to make his own vodka.
He didn't call me beautiful but he came in less than five minutes so same thing, right?
Write this down so you can tell me in the morning. "That bartender needs to be in my mouth."
He jerked off some dude with a slice of Wonder Bread.
The sports guy?
Yeah. They claimed the bread made it hetero
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