Psycho is an understatement. U were running around the house screaming IM UNDER THE IMPERIOUS CURSE
we need to stop having unprotected sex.
ya i know. we're like the secret life of the american whores.
No need to clean the puke on the driveway. The squirrel is eating it up.
it was my 21st birthday. took an old mans walker so i could stay till last call. reasonable right?
I'm eating tomato paste and drinking banana juice that is expired. Can we please get groceries tonight?
She's doing shots in her underwear, a fur hat and mittens. I'm never coming home.
youre just mad because i have donuts and im beautiful
I can't break up with him, I ran the math. Taking into account his 7 inch penis and the standard deviation from average, almost 90% of guys should have a smaller penis than he does.
Really? Penis math? This is why guys shouldn't date female engineers.
I have vomit stuck in my nose, you should come with a warning label.
I have a boner and a quesadilla why aren't you here
How do we stop her downward spiral?
Wine. For us.
do i respond to the booty call for the guy with the bigger dick or the one who has the gourmet coffee i like so much? at this point i'm leading toward the coffee
It's 2016 and I'm somehow banging the milkman.
I'm sorry I keep drunk texting your boyfriend sports updates.
That's okay. He needs friends too.
I offered to trade my cat for a bottle of tequila as long as it had a handle on it and realized I had a problem
Randomize
