Yes, one should always join a cult. At least once.
my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
Awkward interaction of the day: Staring at some guy trying out if he is or is not the guy that woke me up yesterday by getting arrested in front of my apartment.
Well fuck that. I mean, I made out with my cousin once. Who gives a fuck.
I prob couldn't even get his attention if I had a dick growing out of my forehead
Oh, I'm just lighting tennis balls and WD-40 on fire, what are YOUUU doing?!
Apparently, his doctor was impressed with how well we took care of his leg. We're like the kings of naked triage.
Thank you for not puking on my lap during the first class of the semester. And fuck you for doing it in the second.
2 things: 1) can you get hep from toilet water? And 2) do you know where we can get a new skillet for cheap?
Please tell me those aren't related.
I made rice.
It's twenty thirteen and the rando and I bonded over the fact that we're both stil using flip phones. Of course I fucked him in the bathroom. It was the obvious thing to do.
It’s like a buffet of marriages! Every option is available to you!
She wanted a dick pic so I sent her brett Favres dick pic then she asked why I have pictures of old men's beautiful dicks
I just put condoms in a mason jar because it looked prettier than the box.I think I've peaked.
Wait, like drink with real Phil. Or Phil, the cat that sometimes lived in your closet in Myrtle Beach?
I walked in the kitchen and heard her saying "We could have been so good together" as she caressed an egg with her cheek.
Randomize
