Very hungover, bought a newspaper and found my shorts from last night in the machine.
No I'm not coming over. That Bob Ross drinking game is too intense.
I feel like wearing underwear would just be poor planning
A beer fell out of the case, hit the ground and started spraying. He's a pro. He grabbed it and shotgunned it while still holding the case.
I will be sticking my dick in something this weekend. You can either be that something or not. Your decision.
I mean, yeah, she was cheating on me but I've been fucking her brother. My secret relationship trumps her secret relationship.
If Dave says he's going to have sex with her, he's going to fuck her retarded and turn her crazy. So run.
I think Vodka is my favorite. Everything else ties for second.
If he shows up in a "mount n dew" me shirt im throwing him to the lesbians
You're dating a nurse! That's smart, you never know when you'll have a medical emergency. Probably liver failure.
I gave him morning sex, a bag of cookies, and dropped him off at work. I believe I deserve the "best hookup award."
I felt kinda awkward walking into his house in nothing but lingerie and my dead grandmas overcoat
I almost got an A in organic chem but started hallucinating during the final so I got a C
I mean go ahead and let your freak flag fly but if you could not fly it in my bed that would be great
You poured 151 in your eye, ran face first into a tree, fell down, then threw a lawn chair at the dog...all before passing out in the hallway and pissing yourself. There is no way to redeem yourself.
Randomize
