I just saw a hot homeless man
her name is jenna, so i wanna cunt punt her
that's how i am about ashleys and britneys
What part of "waking up in the crawl space of my house with a raccoon" sounds like a good night to you?
My superpower would be to be able to make a chick instantly start her period just by thinking about it
I almost got runover on the sidewalk by a car but wen it got closer it was a crackhead walking with the whole front of a car... bumper, lights and all... I love New York.
A moment of silence for all our pussy whips bro's who had to endure the NEW MOON premier!
Slurping strawberries throug a straw. It feels like the kool-aid man is coming in my mouth.
Your either lost or getting food, if your lost find me a girl on your way back, if your getting food grab me a double cheese
Brown or brunette? Ketchup or mustard?
I love you bro
But I don't wanna live with them bc I need to be able to walk around naked and sex on any surface guilt free.
I yelled "NO FLEX ZONE!!!" at the guy that thinks it's cool to take off his shirt at the party then proceeded to puking
He's attempting to seduce me with thanksgiving-themed sexual metaphors... It's working.
I deleted all traces of him from my phone
even the dick picks he sent you?
no are you nuts? saved that shit to my camera roll
Your bf is wearing nothing but a cape, I mean absolutely NOTHING but a cape. I know you said he looks like Thor but this is getting a bit ridiculous.
Hey do u remember the time we used my mascara wand as a drink stirer?
Heels with jeans turned Casual Friday into Casual Sex With My Boss Friday
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