Actions speak louder than words. Her actions scream crazy.
I can't. He's too cute and my tongue is too long.
you left a paper here that says 'to do list' but it looks like you just wrote "drink a bunch of cough syrup and watch Who's the Boss" like 60 times
Yeah... I was considering changing that part but the boxed wine is non-negotiable.
They invited me day drinking but brought their kids. 3 two year olds and 1 11 month old. I was asked to change a diaper, I laughed and took another drink of this margarita. I LIKE CHANEL AND TEQUILA NOT CHILDREN. Can we make new friends?
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
Good morning! Just thought I'd give you my yearly reminder that we lost our virginities 7 years ago, yesterday.
That's the best creepy text ever.
Legitimately sent a work email with "Hey, you kids, get off my lawn" as the subject line.
Stoned stonnnnnnned on the raaaaange
idk how I feel so profoundly understood by someone whose latest tweet is "labia majora's mask." but I do.
Sara can't come to the phone right now. She's currently having an in-depth conversation with a flower pot.
It's a sad night when one of your friend texts you that she's going on a date with someone you know and then invites you to maybe have a drink after
Dick is healthier for you than green beans
I sprayed his whole room with my perfume and left lots of my hair on the bed. So now if he does bring her home, the bitch will know this territory is marked.
My "birthday sex" consisted of approximately 25 seconds of him going down on me in the shower.
Randomize
