wakey wakey hands off snakey
She was running around the bar, demanding everyone call her Jesus or else she would attack them like a llama. ack.
ENDLESS SCROLLING ON TUMBLR WAS MADE FOR HIGH PEOPLE!
I just witnessed someone getting head in the parking garage. Don't ever tell me Baylor is too conservative again.
my host sister just stared at me as i knocked over the lamp, then took out all my chocolate, walked into the bathroom, and locked the door. i'm officially the worst exchange student ever.
the fog machine set off the whole complexes fire alarm
She came to the party dressed as slutty elmo and then called me oscar the grouch for not wanting to bang her in the dumpster outside.
she is way to in-touch with her childhood
He told me he wanted to sober fuck the shit outa me... I took that as a compliment
I'm pretty sure you and I ate the entire Keebler elf weed workshop
My 7 yo sister is trying to talk my mom into buying her a strawberry margarita. Happy Cinco de Mayo.
Nautical themed porn is also great bc someone usually wears a captains hat
I deflowered you on valentines day. I AM THE BEST AT ROMANCE. LOVE ME.
Try to fuck my roomie AND steal my slippers: you are no longer my favorite cousin.
I woke up with my shoes on but pants in the fish tank
You stocked up?
No actually didn’t get a chance. If you wouldn’t mind bringing me a brownie and a bottle of Jameson that’d be nice
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