Have you ever seen a midget fist pump? BEST. THING. EVERRRRR.
I feel the need to point out that one of the items on my to-do list for the day is "don't throw up" I have no concept of normal
All of our toilets in my house are broken. Thank God I've practiced peeing in the sink enough.
Its 6:30 and I'm shotguning a busch ice while taking a shit. Outlook for work today: interesting
Man, I thought my dick was gonna fall off.
Dude, I didn't even think they made slap bracelets anymore. You okay?
How can I not totally like a guy that told me my boobs were too big for me to be taught how to play golf?
I miss college girls! You know how depressing it is to fuck 30 year olds? That's what failure feels like
I want to buy her liposuction. And a spot on What Not To Wear. And a face transplant.
I really want to fuck that guy in the full wind breaker suit
Just tapped my penis on the head and said "this will be your year buddy."
I AM HANGING OUT WITH ADORABLE DOGS SURROUNDED BY NATURE. GOD BLESS AMERICA AND ALSO BYE CIVILIZATION AND PANTS.
Are you at a park?
She unfriended me on Facebook after I responded to her long love note with #demtittesdoe. Jager is the goddamned devil.
Not a problem, sailor. I speak both autocorrect and typo.
It's probably not a good thing when it isn't even 6:30 and I've already drank an entire bottle of wine. By myself. I'm watching Spice World and I just bought 2 Spice Girls albums off itunes.
Make that 3 Spice Girls albums.
I'm not having sex with him if he doesn't believe in gay marriage and abortions.
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