I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
Dude, I think my check liver light just came on
She's making her own pesto again. Cooking spaghetti in the microwave and "frying" vegetables in the toaster oven. All this while wearing the yellow rubber gloves and saying that the pesto has feelings like a real person. Im terrified.
She just rubbed her face all over pool chalk. I feel like it's time to go
The doctor told me if I woke up with a broken foot and don't know how it happened, I might want to look into getting treatment.
My mom slipped a condom in my pocket along with a sticky note that said "be safe sweetie."
told our landlord the hole in the wall was from your head during drunk sex..
how did he take it?
not as well as i would have thought
I'm about to initiate a game of drunk UNO.
Drunk UNO has officially been banned from now until forever.
I'm trying to get WebMD to diagnose me with a hangover
I only had ten dollars. So leave it to Katie to somehow makeout with the bartender, on his shift mind you, and get free drinks.
You had a fry stuck to your face... Every five mins you would wake up, take a bite, put it back then fall asleep again...
Wellp yesterday was spent absurdly hungover and today was spent in planned parenthood so I hope that's not an indication of the year to come
Honestly I was sitting in managerial accounting thinking "I really need to get my shit together and stop drinking so much wine." But when you asked I realized... it's wine. It's always a yes.
How the fuck did we end up at a strip club last night.. We started the night playing bingo at a church
no fucks will be given and no pants will be worn
i'll bring the vodka
Randomize
