I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
the three of them together have enough kids to fill a barney live audience.
He told me that he wanted to break up with his girl friend but only after we had sex, only for him to make sure I'm worth it..
I just asked the dr if it was herpes while wearing my shirt from the strip club...
I told you to stay away from the strippers in Oklahoma
Random girl at this party just gave me a lap dance in a la-Z-boy. Night significantly improved.
We're smoking a joint the size of the average penis right now. I may not survive.
She is singing the swedish chef song and throwing utensils. I love this place
I just found out I lost my virginity the same day my parents did, 25 years later. This is my life.
Cop came to our door looking for you. Something about sex in public and intoxication. I said you matched the description.
I need to get a job that holds me accountable for something. Otherwise I wake upon Monday wondering when the booze store opens and if I still have a boyfriend.
He's not replying to my booty call. Like wtf. You have ONE PURPOSE IN LIFE.
Once you jizz in someones hat, you cant take it back.
Never underestimate the power of loudly proclaiming you want to make out with someone
We used to bone, but now she's my life coach.
I told him he looked like my uncle.
Why would you say that in a bathtub?
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