So, sleeping with all of my Vicodin in my bra because I knew she'd be searching my room for drugs tonight. I'LL SHOW HER.
I'm not sending you pictures to jack off to. That's not what friends do
WHAT DID YOU SAW VERBATIM. VERBATIM IS SOBER FOR WORD FOR WORD
You kept saying you only wanted to drink until you were sleepy. You succeeded if "sleepy" means you sleepied around with 4/6 of the guys there.
I mean, who doesn't have an ex involved with bath salts?
Roommate is hosting a 'sorority retreat' at our house. If you need to get laid, stumble on over.
Let's have sex in an apple orchard
My sheer presence has sent the hipsters running in terror. I expect no problems.
Good night I hope you dream about knitting and threesomes
You mistakenly try to piss in a cactus bush ONE TIME and are forever dubbed cactus ass
I paper cut my nipple reading mail topless
A respectable fucking: good but like I don't want to get kicked out of my hotel room
like I'd leave you in a situation like that..pfft. what kinda friend do you think I am?
...a stoned one.
DO NOT FUCK YOUR ENGAGED GAY NEIGHBOR!
And here I am, playing fetch with my cat at two in the morning.
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