Just saw a midget shotgun a coors light
why does hillary duff have a greatest hits album?
you were the other women for BOTH people in the relationship?
My professor just used "labia" and "numchucks" in the same sentence. I am dying.
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
My fave moment of today was you sitting in a hot pink innertube puking into the ocean in front of a lot of children. i would have held your hair back but the ocean did it for you.
the caf people were giving us weird looks and she yelled ITS A LIFE STYLE
He drew a face on his balls with a sharpie. It was like giving head to a unicorn.
Totally sleeping on a bloodstained mattress tonight. I love life's little adventures.
The only times we have to apologize in this friendship is when you intentionally punch me and that's only happened once so it's okay
I need to immerse myself in a tub of peroxide to kill whatever traces of him are on me.
if he becomes president of the united states, I will tell EVERYONE that i took his virginity.
He bought me pizza and bourbon and played scrabble with me. So naturally I slept with him.
Will you come get your son? He's using an old bike pump to help him fart the national anthem...
He agreed to matching Christmas pajamas today, no guy does that for a girl he’s not seriously considering marrying.
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