Listen, Pinot Grigio got me pregnant. It can get you a boyfriend.
I feel like vodka or no vodka, you'd still be trying to button your cat into your comforter
Places you have drunkenly threatened to piss: my bed, my bros bed, my moms bed, my bros wedding
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
Every fourth of July I get sentimental when I think back to the one where we drove around baked off our asses crashing multiple cookouts listening to Team America's "America, Fuck Yea" on repeat. I miss us.
Well I turned her sobriety into my own personal drinking game
We need to re-create the Get Some Ass Tour 2002.
Um, 2 out of 3 people involved with that particular event are now married, so I don't think that will be happening.
HELLO, they're MARRIED! They need to get some ass more than anyone.
Dear female. Happy valentines day. If you have not had the pleasure of making love to me, please do not fret, I will get around to it soon enough. If you indeed have made love to me, then bravo, wasn't that grand! Perhaps we should do it again? Regardless, have a good day. This has been a public service announcement. Rock on.
I think ill wear my dads dashiki but make it sluttier. We shall see
Their engagement party consisted of them doing shots, yelling at each other, leaving for 30 minutes, and coming back with smiles.
I'd say they're off to a great start!
The whole time we were hanging out my vagina was yelling at me like its a real live penis that wants to have sex with us what are you doing
His 12 year old sister has bigger boobs than me and now that's all I can think about when we have sex
He told me I smelled like peanut butter, pepperoni, and pure unbrieldled passion.
I agree with that homeless guy though, you do need a haircut
I HAVE A FLAME THROWER. COME SEE IT. IT’S SAFE AND WORKS.
Randomize
