I wish i could clap on, clap off my penis
I don't know which is more embarrassing, the fact that I shat on the floor today or that I told you about it.
I should do something nice for her. Like sign her up for "What Not To Wear."
i dont think the girl sending me nudes is qualified to pass judgement on me
he drunkenly pissed himself on the deck, in the bathroom, and on my couch within the span of an hour
its like an avodart commercial...maybe he has a growing problem
Received world's greatest BJ while in a planetarium. Was seeing stars while seeing stars.
I dont think he stole the pillow. I mean if he wanted a souvenir, my thong was on the nightstand.
He was with one girl when I went to bed, wad with another when I woke up and now he just told me he was with a 3rd in-between last night and this morning. Jesus Christ.
I feel like everytime I call him he's either fucking or getting into trouble. It's really disturbing that he presses the answer button and then proceeds to fuck her harder.
I sobered up in the middle of it, that I was hooking up with him in a rosemary bush. I woke up smelling like a pasta dish
I respect your roll as DD and there're am required to respect your vehicle
Riding the train home at 6 am for class still drunk is losing its novelty in my junior year
Let's make this a nightly thing. You'll explain the Watergate scandal like you're telling me a bedtime story while I eat popcorn high as fuck
I just wish he would stop trying to bring his emotional baggage into our sexual relationship.
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
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