I'm sitting at the gyno watching cnn in the waiting room
Everyone is walking funny when they come out, ugh I'm not looking forward to this
best part he said "i like your tattoo" as he walked into the room, stood right there looking at me, naked on top of his friend
i just deleted quailman, hot hawaiian dude, appalachian swimmer, and connecticut from my phone
Well now I have my semen on her headphones
Can you pick me up a bottle of make-an-ass-of-myself tonight?
Do you want cuervo gold or silver?
This is embarrassing but i think i might have left my fake tooth at your house on your night stand.
Just puked in my hallway. Good start to a great night
There's no winning that game with me. It's either "Can I walk home at the end of the night," or "am I throwing up trying to sleep in the front yard." Rules are irrelevant.
Currently playing charity bingo with coworkers so if u were ever gonna send a dick pic now is the time
Just convinced a housekeeper at work to set up her 401k. Gotta start hittin the gb every morning before work. Happy 420
My memory of last night is a delicious blur of tits, ass, and alcohol.
Why the fuck is there a goat in the kitchen
So some guy thought I took second place in a male stripper competition
You literally snort drugs up your nose and you’re questioning the brand of the multivitamin right now?
Why can't he see that I don't want a slow getting to know you period? I just want to bone. NOW.
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