You know its been a rough night when you wake up and the first thing you remember is your mom going skinny dipping.
I popped a zit on your vagina. Don't say I never loved you.
Just finished texting the 27th male name in my phone that i don't recognize. none of them were the hott kid i made out with last night. the search continues.
I put the extra pregnancy test in my sex toys box as a reminder that my actions have consequences.
It's like you're a magic genie of bad timing
Dude, double fisting packs of Ramen saved my life last night
Walking into my bedroom & smelling stale sex & disappointment isn't how I envisioned being 39, in case you were wondering.
YOU SHOULD HAVE BEEN THE FIRST VISITOR TO CHRISTMASLAND
Should I apologize for the loud sex I had in his living room? Because I'm not going to.
Definitely not.
Is this because I accidentally peed on you?
Why is there a waffle in the knife drawer?
The real question is why are there knives in the waffle drawer.
Don't do it. He's got a dick the size of a baseball bat. You don't want that commitment.
I have to. For the sake of science.
She just. Cock slapped me. With string cheese.
Drunk purchased a negligee, plan b, keds and Himalayan salt shot glasses.. there’s only one reasonable purchase there, and we both know it’s not the sneakers
It was just like the old times. We watched movies and shit. But not like old times-i fucked her hot brother when she was in the shower? Times are a'changin.
Randomize
