He ate me out. It was like watching him trying to win a pie eating contest
broke, out of weed, out of gas, out of food, and my gf just left me.
you're writing country songs now?
Oh please. You given/recieved a handjob out in public. I think that shy ship has sailed.
Exactly how low is masturbating to your cute professor's lecture videos?
As i lay in bed, clutching my face, i'm starting to believe your dick in my eye story.
I am too hungover to address any of this right now, every time i move it feels like i'm being bitch slapped by the hand of God
The cop asked you if you had been drinking and you said you drank milk out of a cow.
I rememeber. I showed him the picture on my phone of me drinking out of the utter, right?
Are you having sex right now? Or is the apt just swaying rhythmically on its own? Either way, awesome.
Hey, this is a mass text. I have a hospital bill from November, and I don't know from what. Did anyone bring me to the hospital on a drunken night that I don't remember...?
Woke up with two different pairs of pants in the pockets of a jacket.None of the above are mine.
Someone needs to fuck me in my slutty pumpkin costume and I would ideally like it to be you
You used a fucking bud light like as lube last night. I'd get a UTI test like stat.
I need to get some goddam control over my hormones
don’t ask me. i snorted coke off of a pregnancy test box last night. i obviously don’t make the best life choices.
I'm just going to tell you this I knocked up your girlfriend. I didn't mean to I thought it was somebody else I wasn't drunk but it was dark.
The truth is better her than my wife.
Randomize
