There's something fitting about a hot in-car interracial makeout to the tune of 'healing the world.' RIP Mike.
oh my god i am going to vomit. and little burgers wearing crowns are going to come out.
i want to give my vagina back to god and say no thank you
he fucked me so hard my future children felt it
You turned to me, asked if I was having fun yet, and then threw up onto my jeans. Thanks for the awesome first time partying experience
so the girl i've been sleeping with for 3 weeks now just figured out that i don't know her name
Like not in a "I wanna have sex with you way" more like a "I wanna cuddle your mustache way"
The judge mental looks i am getting while looking at porn on my phone sitting in the urgent care waiting room is gonna get way worse when they find out im here to see if im pregnant
My alarm clock on my phone was changed to Fat Bottom Girls over the weekend, and I just now noticed. I'm actually okay w that after Mardi Gras. Well done, random. Well done.
I am coping with the snow storm with beer and shots of jack. If I were outside in shorts I might be able to pass as a Canadian.
I just coughed and my vagina hurt. We need to hook up more.
Hey, scratch that. I've shit 8 times today. I don't have the energy to get laid so I cancelled my date.
I DONT HAVE A FUCKING JOB RIGHT NOW. DO YOU THINK I HAVE TIME TO WASTE GOING BACK AND FORTH WITH SOMEONE WHOS LYING, ABOUT LYING, AND JUST BEING A LIAR? HONESTLY, YES I DO HAVE TIME. BUT I HAVE A FUCKING LOT BETTER THINGS I COULD BE WASTING MY TIME DOING. LIKE ORGANIZING MY POKEMON CARD COLLECTION.
how do you politely tell someone their toddler looks alarmingly similar to the berries and cream guy
I am playing in the snow in my bunny outfit. GET OVER HERE
Randomize
