booty call
i swear to god if you come over i will kick you in the pussy.
is there any particular reason you took a shit in a zip lock bag and left it in my refrigerator?
i just farted in the library and heard some girl yell it was sulfur gas. can. not. move.
You wouldn't know anything about the tooth on ice in my freezer would you?
Taped crackers to the wall. Sat I'n the dryer. Bobby had to pull me out by my hair. No more.
I just canoed to the bar. I am a skilled drunk paddler.
When you awake you'll realize that your car is missing....just know that I had it and becuz of your car I hooked up with the hot bar tender that looks like that guy from bay-watch however I parked it in a loading zone and it was towed...that sex was TOTALLY worth it love you
I think he pocket dials me so much because I'm in his phone as 'Air Mattress'
Just seen a lady with the back of her head shaved and the rest of her hair in a pony tail like a sumo wrestler with a 6 inch glass dolphin hair clip. Nothing is going to ruin my day.
Just got cockblocked by my GF's wedding shower... That's a first. And I have to buy a gift.
We need a hype man... Like a DMX type dude to just up the ante constantly...
Can't trust a bar that doesn't have fireball
I just have to decide what I love more, food or dick.
he kissed both of us goodnight when we dropped him off...I didn't know if I was more offended or impressed
these past three weeks have been a real "fuck you" to my liver
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