im afraid if i stop breathing i will turn into a porcupine
Seriously? He's going to use MY birthday sex as the opportunity to ask if he can pee on me?!? I let him, but wow talk about selfish.
That chick who made out with a door is here. Want her number??
Go big or go home. i snuck in two beers in my bra. im here to win.
WAIT DID YOU MAIL ME A KITTEN
Hey. There is naked girl with "plz don't touch her. She just turned 21" sharpied on her chest. What happened last night?
not a day goes by that I don't wish you were here or I there. Today it was because I had the desire to get high and go look at the jellyfish at the aquarium and you're the perfect buddy for that.
I am truly sorry that you have to put your dog down. He was a great dog, and a great friend. I am still not showing you my tits.
It would be awesome if I knew whose teeth these were in my pocket
He painted a swimsuit on me. Naked day at the lake was a success.
Her four year old daughter walked up to me grabbed my junk and said "this will be in mommy later." Wtf?
I just ate apple sauce in my underwear. This isn't 30. This is 3.
I want to ride his face like a jet ski
Little does she know that you've out-sourced your conscience to a girl who doesn't even wear pants on a regular basis
You walked in with a bag of weed and asked for a watermelon. For some reason they actually gave you one, and you made it into a perfectly working bong. Two of them offered their girlfriends to you for the night.
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