i just bought ciggarettes using my court citation as id. I've reached an all time low.
No. I was horrified and confused as to why you thought scrambled eggs and cottage cheese was a good mix
you told all the 17 year old girls at the party that your mating call was "I glitter in the sun"
They poked me and kept screaming "LAUGH DOUGH BOY" it's like 3rd grade all over again.
I mean how do you tell a nurse in the ER that you dislocated your knee giving a blowjob to your boyfriend.
Very innocently.
If I had a dollar for every time i woke up screaming for my pants i"d have enough money to buy all the beer I stole last night.
We definitely need to avoid these "I'm gonna get stabbed if I stay here any longer" partys
Unless your apartment has 3 am pancakes Im not coming over.
You got me so high that I almost couldn't leave my house for a bar because there was nothing to lean against on the way there
FUCK... Pulled a chick from the bar went to her house passed out on the shitter. She lives in a house full of girls. They were making poop jokes as i left
I had sex in the back of a hot foreign guy with a lacoste eye patch's car
For whatever reason, whenever she's drunk off Crown, all she wants to do is jerk me off with her feet.
Christ I forgot how flexible you need to be for a decent sext pic. Jesus.
I feel like I lost a fight with an 800 lb gorilla made of tequila
I love millennial parents. One of the moms at the daycare center literally told me she and her husband named two of her kids after batman characters and one after game of thrones
Randomize
