I just accidently tagged myself in the picture of the 16 year olds spreading their legs in bikinis. Failure.
Just saw the liqour store owner get into a mercedes, almost proud to be responsible for that
dude, i have to cancel tonight, my neighbor just bought a goat
Don't be offended. I can't even stand sleeping next to my dildo after I'm done, let alone a whole person.
i tried to climb in the window in the limo because i wanted the driver to take me to get noodles. ive reached a new level of fat kid
We will. we just need a little inspiration.... in smoke form.
Hey remember that night when you sang Fergie to me? I think that's the exact moment in time when the thought "I could be faithful to this man" came into serious consideration.
Beautiful wedding. Beautiful bride. I got shitfaced. Came home and ate two corndogs. I'm still single.
Can you get the drug form of snow for the blizzard this weekend?
I mean you would really have to try to not have fun at a party that doesn't require pants....
She just asked if I wanted to eat nachos off of her boobs... I'm going to marry this girl.
His cat must have been laying on his dick, because now my face is covered in hives�
Is it considered a bad morning to find your boss half naked in the parking lot of work at 7am?
That depends, how hot is your boss?
He wasn't excited for the fifty shades of grey trailer, so I told him we're done
If you find my integrity anywhere, please tell it to come back home
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