living well may be the best revenge, but it doesn't hurt that my exhusband is now dating a BEAST.
We're so high we're finding things in the room to build a submarine with. So far we have two cardboard boxes, a piece of wood, puffy paint, and an empty bottle to use as a periscope.
just left the emergency room. condom extraction.
its a vaginal recession for me, ill take what i can get
They ran out of vodka so we started doing Body Doritos.
I was just tagged in a picture with a bunch of people i don't know in a house i don't recognize wearing a purple cowboy hat and a boa...i hate tequila
I believe some people would call last night an orgy.
If you could smell my eyes you'd understand the whole story
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
WHY IS MY CAR MISSING A DOOR YOU BITCH
budget cuts
YOU CANT BLAME EVERYTHING YOU DO WHILE DRUNK ON BUDGET CUTS
budget cuts are serious business
Her boobs take up a lot of room so God had to skimp on the brains
Apparently I taped knives to my hands and made everyone call me wolverine
We were fucking and his phone rang and it was his grandma. He just had a conversation with his grandma while fucking me from behind. Then his dad called and asked him what he wanted from taco bell.
I think someone cast a spell on the lazy stoner rich boy stereotype and it came to life and called me.
Today is get drunk without showing anyone my penis day
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